I don’t fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I’m just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I’m a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I’m polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.
I’m not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I’m a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.
I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don’t find it offensive or infantilizing at all.
Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It’s rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.
This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I’m the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a “Christian” or “virgin” because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.
In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don’t do “naughty” or “dominant”; I would view a partner’s body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.
I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!
Not only can you do that, in some circles you will need to wear a lifejacket to keep from drowning in pussy.
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That’s totally fine! You can still ask people out just the same as anyone else. Love finds those who don’t explicitly seek it out. Form friendships, and love is a natural extension of that.
That goes for any sexual orientation, too. Being nice to people goes a long way.
The way to my heart is kindness, gardening, and shortalls (because God, people look so cute in them).
Here’s the top 3 things that the Lemmy community loves the most:
- Linux
- The though of elon musk getting hit with a blue shell in Mario kart
- Femboys
So you’re good
(jokes aside any aestethic choice will be attractive to some people and a turn off for others, so you might as well be whatever makes you feel good)
Leaning into this will probably garner attention from the right sort of women for you. The ones attracted to “traditional masculinity” (which is kind of a trap in some respects anyway) probably wouldn’t be attracted to you sexually in the first place, based on what you describe here. So you don’t really lose anything by what you plan to do. Go for it!
And if anyone gives you guff about it, tell them to fuck off (or whatever response appropriate to your vibe, but carrying a similar message, works best).
Rather than worry about trying to be universally attractive to everyone, think about the type of partner you want to be attractive to. There’s certainly no shortage of potential partners who are into that. Anyone who isn’t wouldn’t be the right fit for you anyway.
Yeah, definitely. Women who love guys like that are more common than people think. I know a bunch. I married one. Stay upbeat and financially self-sufficient and you can find someone who’s right for you. The idea that you have to be a tough guy to get dates has evolved from a misconception to a fucking psyops.
By the way, as a bi guy, I have never considered a man “adorable” or “a sweetheart” unless I thought I’d enjoy dating him. I must presume that women are often the same way.
Well you appeal to most women? No. Will you appeal to some women? Absolutely.
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Bi and pan girls have entered the chat.
Behind every golden retriever boyfriend is a black cat girlfriend.
What is your “most women” based on, personal experience?
It’s not that deep. The vague “ideal man” that most women would find attractive. Think your Henry Cavils of the world. “Manly” men.
When you intentionally stray from the traits that women are biologically wired to seek in a partner you’re gonna lower the number that find it attractive. Like I’m sure some deer are still attracted to the buck that loses every fight. Just not as many as the one that wins all its fights.
How do you know this is biological and not a social construct? I am afraid your opinion is based on a lot of stereotypes.
… Based on science and reality. There are endless studies that in general women are more attracted to “masculine” men. Strong looking deep voiced men. Even more so when ovulating. Same way men are hard wired for big boobs and wide hips. Monkey brain wants to make sure our offspring survive birth and are well fed.
Obviously I understand that many people stray from those biological/evolutionary preferences but they are still the average/norm for most hence my first comment.
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https://www.colorado.edu/asmagazine/2010/12/01/fertile-women-want-macho-looking-men
Or just Google it for yourself and read any one of the many many articles talking about the subject in various different and specific ways.
Or just look at the men that most women are attracted to in general and see what characteristics they share.
I understand women are not a monolith. I was careful when I said “most” not all.
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There are lots of studies saying that intelligence, a great sense of humor, and wealth are very attractive to women too. What if OP was a PhD, stand up comedian by night with a great job at a university and a wealthy family? I mean, we are not monkeys in the end.
bro that is manly as fuck. keep doing you because it’s hella manly to be gentle and caring and nurturing.
you need to stop worrying about all that “not alpha/sigma male = not attractive” self-doubt. you also need to stop worrying about your attractiveness. you’re already attractive to some people. just find people you really enjoy hanging out with one on one, and eventually you’ll land a partner.
You are attractive, probably very attractive. Your post makes it clear to me. You receive attention of multiple women, and some of them are even making advances on you. Manly men are in crisis, in my opinion. Feminism all around is putting the concept of the manly man in question, and you, my friend, are the next step, like the X-men mutant to the human being.
In any case, what’s a man, anyway? They will tell you all kinds of zombie answers. As someone raised by women and two absent masculine figures, I just don’t get it. Learned to set limits with bullies the bad way, always taking advantage of the situation cowardly, but effectively, and I don’t regret kicking them while they were on the floor. What I mean is, if it works for you being all cute, be cute by all means, but if you want to have sex, be all the cute you want saying that seriously; otherwise, people, women, will take you for a prude, maybe even gay, and I don’t know why, but that’s been my experience.
Be yourself. Don’t let other men show off by demeaning you, don’t let women think you’re some kind of a monk, especially the ones you are attracted to. Those are the limits.
EDIT: just to clarify, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, but it hardly works to project that idea if you want to get intimate with the opposite sex.
Your first paragraph is like looking in a mirror lmao. Hi!
Dating your typical woman was a path to constant failure for me growing up. My endless mixed house parties throughout college never lead to anything sexual let alone romantic either. Stuff like that. Failing to attract each other, there was just an obvious disconnect. I’d get plenty of initial attention (mainly because I’m extreme tall), but once talking we slid off each other. Maybe you get what I mean more than most. Took me too long to figure out why I couldn’t find a partner. One nickname was Gentle Giant among friends. I was so unsuccessful people accused me of being closet gay.
Don’t find male mind/bodies attractive, and said house parties included very gay and very open roommates. In the end I figured out mentally masculine women do it for me, and there’s mutual interest within that grouping. Non-binary especially. We really like each other. But there’s a subsection that really matters to me:
and expressing a desire to protect me.
That just does it for me more than anything else. Often found in people who have another quality… something I struggle to describe. People Who Seem To Collect Good People? Best I can do without writing paragraphs. Maybe someone else can do it justice.
So the short answer is: I can only speak of my own bumbling around in this weird thing called life. Possibly experiment more. It could be the problem isn’t you, but who you pursue!
Shorter answer:
but IRL is the good stuff. Usually they’re not in a dress though :P
Most people are attracted to others or not attracted to other based on visual information and pheromone information. Then secondarily, people become more or less attracted to someone based on personality.
So if your personality is not dominant and comes across as submissive or mild, that really probably has zero impact at all on the initial attraction of others.
