Smuuthbrane

Well, that place sure ain’t fucking Costco, that’s for damned sure.

I make a whiny, self-centered, vindictive son of a bitch lasagna, but it tastes good, just don’t bring up job searching or bicycle lanes and dinner won’t be weird.

PSA: “tyyy” - thanks, ya yella yutz.

Such language. Tsk.

Damn, 8 CMEs at the same time, better unplug the TV

I thought you needed bleach to get faded.

It’s only getting good now. Time to put it in the will for the favourite child.

Jexas is a damn fine dude.

Your carrot is sad.

Damn, that’s some happy cereal. Maybe if I eat it I can consume the happiness for myself.

Elmo should do CrossFit.

Can I make pomato fries? Do they need ketchup?

“Look me in the eye if you have your plug in too.”

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOESN’T USE TURN SIGNALS UNDER THE SEA?

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!

Is this one if the rules of the pirate code?

No no no.

“ARRRR, WE BE TAKIN’ YER CARGO, AND PERHAPS YOUR LIVES AS WELL, PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!”

“Dude, click the fob again.” “I TRIED that, it didn’t work!” “But we might be closer now, try it again!” “OK FINE… SEE? NOTHING?” “Is that the right fob?” “…” “What? It isn’t, is it?” “I low-key hate you right now.”

“I came inside a hornet ball…” 🎶🎵

Why do those look so damned aquatic?? Like, I joke about my wife being cold blooded, but for this person I’d believe it.

God’s inflator is just too small, but he’s trying, OK??

AVAST, YE SCURVY DOGS, WHO’S READY FOR A CUDDLE??