Santa is the most communist of communists; giving gifts to all children just for being “good”.

This is how I started questioning the existence of Santa, even kids I knew were little bastards got all the good gifts.

You beat me by an hour, and about 6 shots of vodka.

“And hear the lamentation of their women.”

I remember reading this quote a few years ago (probably Reddit), but I don’t remember if attribution was given. Kudos to you CAVOK.

One place I worked at was my 3rd or 4th print shop. Years ago, to save money on production costs, we would have to “gum the plates”. This involved cleaning and then “gumming” sets of used plates so they could be reused later. Once while at the plated gumming station I was gumming a set of six plates we had used to print a 6-color job. I was a helper on the six-color, but two color presses only had one man crews. One guy pipes up and tells me: “Hey, new guys have to gum all our plates.”

“Yeah? Bite me!”

“No, really!” this dickhead said.

“No, really!” I answered while grabbing my crotch in the universal gesture of disrespect.

Gatormobile. I can easily imagine the owner supplementing his income by poaching alligators in Florida or Louisiana.

Next time, leave the garbage on Reddit where it belongs.

I try like hell to avoid shopping at peak times. Before Covid, I could shop at 2am, but now I’m one of the oldsters waiting for the place to open at 7 or 8am.

I also like Antiques Roadshow, but only the American version. I don’t give two shits about your mums tea set that was signed by the Queen’s dog-wrangler that you paid 50 quid for that’s now worth 200 pounds.

Alcoholics, people who take Metformin (diabetes med), and people who eat at Bojangles. I’ve cut out two of these, see if you can guess which two.

“Now give me back my rights, you baldy bastard!”

It was gazpacho.

My dipfuck younger brother once stuck some chicken wire in an outlet, and scared the shit out of himself. I had acquired the chicken wire in order to make a turtle trap, that ended up working too well.

Probably slightly less than they already do.

Already seen on YT. Updooted anyway.

I’m old enough to have watched the show Davey and Goliath that Moral Orel was a parody of, which made it even funnier to me as an atheist who was forced to go to church as a kid. It wasn’t even that my mother believed the bullshit, she just wanted to be rid of me and my brothers for a couple of hours so she and my step-dad could play “slap and tickle”.

Don’t call me Shirley Clearly.

If you live near Pawtucket,

Do not drink from the communal bucket.

The local water stinks,

So I only drinks,

Bottled water or vodka, so fuck it.

Oldie but a Goldie.

I would say “doink”, which has a higher pitched sound.

What if you could use a baseball bat? Maybe with nails in it.