All pills are placebos. It’s all within your mind. Cure all your ailments with Oracle™ Miracle Tonic!

Change the name to Star Trek and get a crew together composed of beings from around the universe and a black lady. To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, yadda yadda yadda…

God: I want to smite them all and fuck off to Rigel 7.

Jesus: Please don’t.

“I thaid my mowf is fuh of beez!”

In America, once a child is born they immediately become invisible to republicans. Maybe we should be raising them in the way of the Shinobi?

You can’t spell “no reason” without “nooners” ;)

Charge them rent and use that money to buy a social media company.

I had the same issue once and I solved it by adding more fans

If you visit harbin China they will think you are Russian, which is pretty much a wash. The worst part is the Russians will think you are Russian too and try to get you to drink with them. Unless you regularly down pints of vodka do NOT go drinking with Russians.

It’s going to suck to be forced to eat there. But what can you do, the ziabatsu commands it.

Sorry I called dibs already, you guys will have to find another cave to live in

Give him your lamp and walk away

Words with the -ism suffix. Like capitalism, authoritarianism, veganism, etc.

I just cut mine off. Just got in the way and I’m all about less clutter.

Most of the -ism’s get you here. The only one that doesn’t: Peppa Pigism

I was in the boxing gym yesterday talking with everyone about the crazy shit Trump and the Republicans are doing and the owner came by and warned us that some members have Trump stickers on their cars. I said “I don’t care, we are in the perfect place to settle it.” In reality it’s because I know the only ones to be worried about were on my side.

I saw one of these butterflies in my yard last week. Hoping they were making a stop by my carrots since I don’t have dill

I’ll have you know I’ve listened to all episodes of the Revolutions podcast and remember nothing.

Religion is the greatest grift on society ever made. To believe it actually gives you morals and ethics has continually been disproven.

It’s not that hard to fake a Russian accent comrad. Did you watch Chernobyl or Death to Stalin? Steve Buscemi sounded like he was born there.